i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
