She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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