My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
