Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
a search helicopter?!
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
