just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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