can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize