You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
