I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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