If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't deserve a penis
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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