I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
