i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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