their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
