Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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