I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Randomize