I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
