I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Oh god it's open bar.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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