I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
