I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You can't special order awesome
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
