I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Randomize
