I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
