2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
