Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
