two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
