Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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