I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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