how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
