Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
