I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
