your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
