I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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