cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
