Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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