I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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