I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
time to smoke my breakfast
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I know her cup size but not her name....
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