My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
