i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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