I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
