And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
