if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
As shirtless as possible
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
