Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
