I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
