I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
