Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
