i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
There's always time for handjobs
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
