he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
