Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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