Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
