I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
