You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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