just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize