I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We left the knife in your bed.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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