Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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