I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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