He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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