If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
