Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
