I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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