Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
